Eclipse February 20 2008

February 20, 2008. The moon stood momentarily in the earths shadow making her a petulant rusty orange. Sitting with my head leaning on the window, my phone pressed to my ear speaking to my mother temporarily stationed in st. Martin and my broken glasses missing one arm laying slightly crooked on my face, I hailed the new red moon like one might hail a new era years ago when these oddities might be declared an omen. Behold the red moon, good news awaits us.

I did not know what awaited me. I did not think that much about it except to think how lucky I was to witness such an event in such a clear sky. Our next full lunar eclipse only appearing in 2010 and who knows what weather we will have.
The next day, feeling slightly blessed and slightly fuzzy by this great big red moon I settled down behind my desk at work. When i was called by my boss into his office I wondered at the possibility of what this even would mean. The post moon happy feeling being eclipsed by a remote but growing sense of anxiety. In his voice I could tell he meant to discuss something as he didn't sound his usually distracted self. I thought of my line of defense. Reasons I had not completed all I had. etc. The list was growing fervently in my mind. Tiny mice working tiny type writers listing my deeds. No lawyer in sight.

I sit and decide to enact a calm demeanor. He is telling me only good things about my performance. I brace myself. I know, good first, then the jab. I am waiting for the jab, I tell myself not to flinch. I hold my head up high. I know i will see this through. He discusses my raise and my bonus. I am surprised. I didn't think I would receive one. I consider showing my surprise or should i enact mild thankfulness withholding surprise to temper his consideration of whether this bonus and raise was perhaps, too considerate.

But i am happy. I am delighted. I send my love to the red moon who blessed me.

Solo

Ooops I kind of missed V-day in that I was solo and happy for once about it. This time it came as sort of a relief considering that I have a red-heart, hand-holding, eye-gazing allergy. I am simply not a fan of dramatic emotions and gifts I don’t especially like but are expected to gush over while worrying about how i am going to avoid using/wearing/keeping them. Exclaiming "you shouldn't have" while wondering will it break, perhaps I can say it was stolen, or maybe lost.

There is also the fact that I am a creature of comfort and I don’t like getting dressed up and all the fuss of being into it. I don’t like maintaining conversations and listening. I don’t like sharing my bed, bedroom, or bathroom. I would rather sit in a café and fall into a good book. I want to go when I feel like, and leave when I want, and not have to think of calling or explaining. I don’t like demands, expectations, compromising and that is invariably what relationships are about. I would rather write. I would rather explore. I would rather google. Relationships are great but I have to have lots of room. I like to feel air. I like quiet. Yet being in one can be interesting at times because I have learned tons about myself I don’t think I would have learned otherwise…its just…I kind of like being solo. I wonder if this is selfish or wrong. I mean why can’t I be like everyone else and want the same things? Not that being unusual is wrong, but maybe isn’t it?

Adieu, good bye

You wish the best for me
But the room is now cold
You did not mean to hurt me
Yet I sit in the dark room
You tell me it will be ok
To stop my tears from falling
You kiss me on the head
Wishing me goodbye
You tell me it’s not my fault
Then you walk to the door
You look back before you leave

I only have the footprints
You left in the snow
I think about putting my feet in them
To see how they would feel
I did not think I would keep using them
But yet here I am at your door
I offer you my heart to keep
Because I won’t use it anymore

A Wave

I was innocently wasting my time looking at funny cat videos on U-tube when I happen to come across music from the Swingle sisters - harpsichord concerto #2 largo JS Bach. It was such a powerful and mellow piece that accompanied a little kitten trying to sleep that I immediately had to find it, which I did, and which I downloaded to keep in my treasure chest of music. The music picked me up like a wave carrying me off in a floating sort of lazy jellyfish way. Then as I was playing it, and floating, before I realized what I was doing, I forwarded it to a friend I had stopped speaking to after a petty argument ...but perhaps had stopped communications for other reasons that the argument which may just have been a culminating point in our fading friendship. This argument, I fear, as is usually the case with most arguments, may have served as a focal point to a larger agenda of things we feel we can no longer accept from someone. But there it is and my email has irreparably been sent.

I drew this wave as therapeutic relief.

Blackie sits and waits