Looking into a 10X mirror.
The mirror, a cruel looking glass, made my pores into ominous cesspools of bacteria and dirt, and there were other things, things i never noticed before, things i don't want to think about. There they are in my head. They are not going away. These thoughts that live there too now.
Of course the mirror was on sale. what type of person would buy a mirror which only creates self doubt and an uninhibited desire to spend an obscene amount on facial cleaning product? Only a small fringe of crazy people who are innately drawn to purchase sales items regardless of value, need, or function.
I am going to buy the mirror. This is war.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Now, upon having received 2 comments from people believing that I describe in my previous post "my muse" a Hollywood “love/hate/love & live happily ever after scenario", I need to disillusion you.
We are not interested in a relationship, we just had, and perhaps he is still has, an unnatural and unhealthy propensity for putting ourselves/himself in Machiavellian situations. I can only recall a vague attraction for why we were drawn in as being a weakness, a predilection, for the power play that our situation had turned into.
I can’t speak for the young man (ha, over 15 years my senior), but please let me assure you I now have better ways to waste my time.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I have decided to follow my muse. That is, I have decided not to think but to go by instinct. My past has been about over analysing which i fear are tendencies which may have held me back from opportunities. I hope honing in on my muse skills, I will make better more powerful decision.
Based on this idea, after having 2 dreams with a sort of ex, sort of friend, sort of soundboard, sort of lover, I sort of decided to give him a call. I just felt like I had to call him but I couldn't explain why. I could think of many, many, reason why I shouldn't. But since I was no longer following reason, but inner instinct, i called.
This is a person I had met in the Caribbean years ago, went out on a date, and then intentionally avoided him until he left the island. Having suddenly a change of mind, I decided to meet him the day he said he was leaving only to have missed him and crashed into another ex who happened to work in the tiny airport.
I then proceeded to hunt out his friends on the island and ask for his phone number, not judging the time difference, and ecstatic I had finally attained the number, I called him at 3am.
We eventually met up in LA, fought, and I was pushed into leaving. A year later, same scenario. LA, fight, only this time I was older, a little less crushed and a little more logical as I insisted that he pay the difference of my ticket.
Three strikes, but there was more. I somehow invited him to my island. For the life of me, I can't remember why. I think I had some vague notion that I wanted someone to vacation with. It didn't work, we fought, and I kicked him out right before a hurricane. But for good reasons, which even he eventually called to admit, though a few years late.
Occasionally we exchange emails. Very simple exchanges. We weren't looking to start over this painful process. I guess we just wanted to wave.
He recently felt inclined to respond to my im title "who dare knock on my door". Of course, he dares, he knocks. But I think he, mostly wanted to make me jealous that he was going to Mexico. He sends me the resort website. He asks me if I am coming. I "hahahaha" him. But upon his departure, in order to tease him, I change my title, to "I'm going to (resort name)". This probably was not ideal, as when he logged in his gmail, his girlfriend I didn't know about may have been hovering around.
In any case, I dreamed he lost his leg, he was surrounded by lots of dark skinned larger men. That he was very upset. (i mean in the dream he did lose a leg). I become anxious and think of calling him, but then think, he's in Mexico and you are here in NY working. Of course his legs are fine. So I don't call. then a few weeks later, I dreamed that he was a friend living in Santa Barbara (he recently moved to Santa Barbara from LA) and that he was driving me to see him, a lover in LA. Then I wonder in the dream how my friend will feel about this lover/ex and how they will get along. The dream hovered about me all day till finally i decided to exorcise it with a call to him.
The phone rings five times. (he has caller id)
My hand is on the hang up button and I sigh relief. See I tried.
He picks up.
"I wasn't going to pick up."
"I was going to hang up."
I go sit in my backyard to soak in the rest of the sun before it descends any further in the sky. I sort of mention the dreams and ask how his vacation went. It was a disaster he explains. The eco-resort was made up of a bunch of flimsy cottages on the sea with only slats and no real walls, privacy, or way to filter the sounds from neighboring cottages. The shower water was salty and cold, the accommodation were below expectations. He complained to the resort. The resort offered him credit to be used on their amenities.
Deciding to make the best of it, he uses some of the credit to book an afternoon massage, they encourage him to go for the night message instead, which he does. He describes the massage as being naked, and cold in front of the windy ocean in the middle of the night as a much larger woman (he has a thin frame) plops and smushes tepid mud onto him. I say, well it can't get worse. He assures me it does. He goes to the restaurant in order to burn more credit and fears he may have contacted food poisoning. They eventually leave the resort to go elsewhere but cannot figure out how to activate the a/c during the long hot ride which does nothing to alleviate his mood nor his health issues. Arriving at the hotel which has no close parking, they must haul up their bags down the streets, while he still feels ill.
Later Sitting at a busy cafe on one of the busiest streets in Mexico, he turns to his girlfriend and says "I think I am going to pass out". Which he promptly does. He comes to on the floor seeing the blue sky, and hearing his girl friend yelling call 911. He also realizes he has defecated on himself and must now get up and walk to the bathroom as all eyes stare in his direction. He proceeds to lock the bathroom door to clean his pants as people begin knocking on the door worried. They are insisting he open the door. "un momento por favor" he faints again. When he comes to there is feces all over, the smell is atrocious, and he only has a itty bitty napkin hiding his penis, he hears his girl friend say "oh my God" while covering her nose.
Well, the momentum and tone of the trip pursues him back to California where he suffers skin poisoning from bad henna ink contracted through a henna tatoo, and in trying to help a friend to the hospital is stopped by police for breaking the speed limit and threatened with jail. Which seems to horrify him more then everything that happened to him in Mexico, as he explains he seriously doubts he would be the biggest, baddest guy there.
Now i feel like I am suppose to tell him, well, that he may be perhaps bringing this bad luck upon himself by going out with people and giving them false hope that the relationship is blossoming into a commitment. His actions and behavior are unintentionally hurting those he dates. He is sort of like a drunk driver who does not mean to run people over, but ends up doing so. He is an irresponsible dater.
And yes, after all of this, he is thinking of dumping her, as he has done with all his previous girlfriends.
Now I ask my muse, why me, why must I explain what I suspect about his karma and his life lessons?
Friday, May 23, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Skin upon skin
A complex combination of smile and grin
Layer upon layer
Not one has a prayer
A kaleidoscope of people within me
A costume for each, you agree
I shield the birds eye view
My time spent with each of you so few
No one can claim me
for any price or fee
It was such a nice game
Until he called my name
Mephistopheles do you see
And like that I was free
But he turned to leave
It was His trick to deceive
Cut open once more
As only lions roar
Vulnerable and unbound
I was lost and then found
I had thought him so fair
But his tricks laid me bare
There I lingered too long
lost in the song
Captivated in his trap
I lose all bearing, mark and map
Here he reveals his price
My heart will not suffice
Posted by Seaurchin at 2:20 PM
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
As island time obeys a different and much slower speed then most places in the world, and the French legal system is renown to be efficiently and ludicrously bureaucratic, he may decide to find a different road before he dies of natural causes.
May justice reign.
Posted by Seaurchin at 8:55 AM