She stands with her hands cupped together and slowly opens them in the blue evening light. Small white feathers flutter out lifted by the wind. A tear rolls gently down her face. It's over.

This is a little hole in a fence, inside is my life. There is lots of clutter and little desire to seperate the garbage from the possesions, lifes lessons from rediculous folies, trophies from inexorable failures. There is no house, there is nothing to steal or protect from rain, snow or uv rays. There is no driveway there is nowhere to go, no one to visit and no awaited visitors. Actually the fence was put up many years ago but it too will fall to the ground and there is really no need to build another.

You are sitting at the end of your bed and the window is darkening with the approach of night. I slipped this note underneath the caraf near the bed knowing of course you would notice it before you laid down.

I have left.

I am not at seminar in another state as I told you.

I am still in America, but there is no seminar.

Tommorow I will take a plane and cross the sea and I wish I could tell you I won't look back, but i know that I will.

Somethings are inevitable.

I knew it was inevitable that I leave when we were together last month after having come back from the party and you threw me in our bed. I knew I was leaving when you closed your eyes just when you were about to come like a weary travel on a summit he has climbed once to often. I knew I had to go when you exhaled and I felt the cold breeze cross me like a storm on a warm day.

I am at a hotel. It doesn't matter where.

The staff here are very obliging and go out of there way to help me. I sometimes wonder if they can still feel the cold breeze upon me and are trying to warm me. Today they purchased for me the large paper i asked for with blue purple paint.

I painted myself with it and i lied down on this paper and created what i once was.

Here I am in my fetal position by long hair curled beneath my neck, only a few fingers and my , side of face, torso, but, left leg and foot.
Next I am splayed out, this is the position I was in when I decided I would go. My hair is spread out like an octopus or a messy star.
Next i am on my knees my torso is bent so that all that is printed is my lower leg, knees, my joined hands, forhead and a swirl of hair on either side of the imprint of my forhead. This is when you went to sleep on the couch, you never saw this position or the rest.

This is why i am sending them to you.

I need to purge.

You need to know.

Tommorow I fly at 6:00AM.

remember to please let go of my penis when you are done

2005
Take an art class
Swim
Draw the moon in twilight blue
Yoga
Go horse back riding in central park
Kiss
o something I fear as often as possible
meditate
Learn to cook interesting food
write
Make love on white sheets
paint
Create positive forcefield
pray
--------
cry
only when life treats me unfairly

My life is not going as it should, but I am at a loss of how to change it....
I am getting angry at the world, at myself, at the slow people who walk on 34th.
I am tired of having no life or being stuck with the wrong life.
I am tired of life.
I am tired of breathing.
I am tired of being.
I am tired.


There is no one like me on the entire planet. I always have to be with people who's ways I must conform to. I hate everyone and hate being alone. Perhaps I hate being alone because being alone is suppose to be wrong according to general consensus .

I hate that I have no apparent options on how to remove myself from this situation.

2005 New Years Resolutions

Zenify my life: keep room/house/office/bag clean

Take an art class

Swim

Draw the moon in twilight blue

Yoga

Go horse back riding in central park

Date

Do something I fear as often as possible

meditate

Learn to cook interesting food

write

Make love on white sheets

be positive

improve my French grammer

be nicer to my boss who is usually nice with me




--------

cry

only when i am unhappy

I broke up with Him.

I am alone.

I am a speck on this blue and green planet.

I must concentrate on existing and holding tight in this storm.

I must survive and move on.

I must continue.

Please send my next man in God.

I do not want to clean my room. My room is very messy. I am a very messy girl. I leave things all over, and then when no more room is left, I leave things on top of other things. My room looks like the vulgar levels of striated earth marking the passage of time and atmospheric ambiance. Lower level: my trip to the Caribbean, an obviously lush moment, slightly above, my business trip to Paris, an obviously more arid assortment of clothes...Etc.

I will learn to be more orderly so that all my belongings can live in the present beside me.

I woke up today and chatted with my mother over the phone. Then I was late to for my train, which would make me late to work and then they I would feel obligated to stay the extra time to make up for it, which would make me sick sick sick. I ran to the train with out stopping and just made it. Huffing and puffing...I collapsed on the blue vinal seats.

What a way to live. I have to wake up earlier...

Must wake up earlier. must wake up earlier....

of course tonight I will feel otherwise. I will sleep late and wake up late and run to the train tommorow...what short memory.

My boss will fly to Europe tommorow or the day after. His cousin committed suicide. He will fly in for the funeral.

I wonder if it bothers him. Hard to tell.

This is it for tonight. Until tommorow.

a bien tot