Tummy Troubles

These are things nobody wants to hear of course. I have been suffering from IBS or some other naughty bowel disorder. I now hate my bowels with more hatred then i knew i had in me.

I have been cleansing, eating gross nutritious food, researching, trying, failing, researching, trying failing for more longer then i care to admit.

I am frustrated, angry, tired and depressed and know more about the digestive tract then I ever hoped to. I also feel alternately hungry but am too fearfull to eat a full meal. This illness has a hovering presence that looms over me and preys on me relentlessly.

Many believe IBS to be caused by anxiety which is strange because I think it is IBS that causes me anxiety, sort of like a thief calling a victim a thief.

In any case, I will now be buying and trying 5-htp to raise my sertonin level! Yay!

Time zone

My supervisor likes to work on things early, which in my time zone, is me trying to decipher between dream and reality, as well as wondering if the uncomfortable subway ride with people pressing into me due to lack of space, is some kind of atonement for past sins I can't quite recall but which are no doubt numerous as the sequence repeats itself every a.m.

Movement

There is someone who works in my office who lurches, shoulders and head hunched as if he is use to walking in a low cave. He has slight snarl on his face. His upper body pitching slightly in front of him. We also have someone who struts. Then we have waddlers and the usual walkers, more or less adept.

I use to be very cool

I use to be very cool, until I realized how the ground beneath my feet was much harder then I had previously thought, now I tread cautiously.

it was very painful and in memory it still is

Trying to turn a lunch hour into an interview which instead turned into a terrible display of babbling. Simple questions seem to come out of some deep unfamilar place...What does your company do, what do you do, my mind wistfully pondering her inquiries in a meandering way. Pondering but not answering, perhaps not even focusing. Just purusing here and there, these subjects like someone taking a liesureley walk in the garden, leaning over a bush to take note of its flowers. English, became a foreign language. Stringing together a coherent sentence becomes like searching for an endangered insect in a lush forest.

The coup d'etat: I managed to crash into one of the agents who had asked me out in the previous visits and who was now flirting with me again. It's times like these when I think I need a new me or at the very least an escape/eject button.

Ms. Leaf

Eating my pizza beside the very tall building where I work, while appreciating a book, I notice a little leaf shaped bug making its way imperiously across the sentence I am reading.

Later when I take the subway, I pull out my book, and Ms. Leaf makes her way across the borders of the book, precariously hanging on the edges. Appalled by her audacity of having hid in my bag all this time, and about to shake her off my book, I become amused by her bright green shape and leaf color, and of course, her audacity, and I take pity. Instead at the end of the ride, I decide to free her outdoors but unfortunately, I must hurry to make my train. Rushing in the station, she gingerly walks around my hand. I brush her off in my bag and put the book there too. Upon removing the book, she crawls out again. I think to myself, she stayed all this time under my desk at work but she can't stay put for a second now as she seems to crawl endlessly till my 3rd attempt of brushing her off in the bag where she remained ominously hidden. Had she crawled off or flown away, I peak. Not in the pockets of the bag, nor my hands nor on my book. Would she remain on this air conditioned, tomb of a train to die a sad death, I worried while trying to read Stardust by Neil Gaiman.

As the train slows down to make my stop, she playfully crawls up my arm. So she has made it this far, I will free her by the trees outside, away from the station. Cupping my hand over her, I make my way and look at her. She looks back. I keep walking and instead decide to free her in my lush garden, if she will stay on till I make it back. I look at her when I walk, she looks at me and she waits for the garden. Opening my old wooden gate, I show my garden to her, which is now her garden too, and let her down on a little thorn bush I think she will like. Upon some prodding, she looks back at me one last time, and then satisfied walks off.

Most Terrifying Moment of the Day

.
Looking into a 10X mirror.

The mirror, a cruel looking glass, made my pores into ominous cesspools of bacteria and dirt, and there were other things, things i never noticed before, things i don't want to think about. There they are in my head. They are not going away. These thoughts that live there too now.

Of course the mirror was on sale. what type of person would buy a mirror which only creates self doubt and an uninhibited desire to spend an obscene amount on facial cleaning product? Only a small fringe of crazy people who are innately drawn to purchase sales items regardless of value, need, or function.

I am going to buy the mirror. This is war.

Preface to "My Muse"

Now, upon having received 2 comments from people believing that I describe in my previous post "my muse" a Hollywood “love/hate/love & live happily ever after scenario", I need to disillusion you.

We are not interested in a relationship, we just had, and perhaps he is still has, an unnatural and unhealthy propensity for putting ourselves/himself in Machiavellian situations. I can only recall a vague attraction for why we were drawn in as being a weakness, a predilection, for the power play that our situation had turned into.

I can’t speak for the young man (ha, over 15 years my senior), but please let me assure you I now have better ways to waste my time.

My muse

I have decided to follow my muse. That is, I have decided not to think but to go by instinct. My past has been about over analysing which i fear are tendencies which may have held me back from opportunities. I hope honing in on my muse skills, I will make better more powerful decision.

Based on this idea, after having 2 dreams with a sort of ex, sort of friend, sort of soundboard, sort of lover, I sort of decided to give him a call. I just felt like I had to call him but I couldn't explain why. I could think of many, many, reason why I shouldn't. But since I was no longer following reason, but inner instinct, i called.

This is a person I had met in the Caribbean years ago, went out on a date, and then intentionally avoided him until he left the island. Having suddenly a change of mind, I decided to meet him the day he said he was leaving only to have missed him and crashed into another ex who happened to work in the tiny airport.

I then proceeded to hunt out his friends on the island and ask for his phone number, not judging the time difference, and ecstatic I had finally attained the number, I called him at 3am.

We eventually met up in LA, fought, and I was pushed into leaving. A year later, same scenario. LA, fight, only this time I was older, a little less crushed and a little more logical as I insisted that he pay the difference of my ticket.

Three strikes, but there was more. I somehow invited him to my island. For the life of me, I can't remember why. I think I had some vague notion that I wanted someone to vacation with. It didn't work, we fought, and I kicked him out right before a hurricane. But for good reasons, which even he eventually called to admit, though a few years late.

Occasionally we exchange emails. Very simple exchanges. We weren't looking to start over this painful process. I guess we just wanted to wave.

He recently felt inclined to respond to my im title "who dare knock on my door". Of course, he dares, he knocks. But I think he, mostly wanted to make me jealous that he was going to Mexico. He sends me the resort website. He asks me if I am coming. I "hahahaha" him. But upon his departure, in order to tease him, I change my title, to "I'm going to (resort name)". This probably was not ideal, as when he logged in his gmail, his girlfriend I didn't know about may have been hovering around.

In any case, I dreamed he lost his leg, he was surrounded by lots of dark skinned larger men. That he was very upset. (i mean in the dream he did lose a leg). I become anxious and think of calling him, but then think, he's in Mexico and you are here in NY working. Of course his legs are fine. So I don't call. then a few weeks later, I dreamed that he was a friend living in Santa Barbara (he recently moved to Santa Barbara from LA) and that he was driving me to see him, a lover in LA. Then I wonder in the dream how my friend will feel about this lover/ex and how they will get along. The dream hovered about me all day till finally i decided to exorcise it with a call to him.

The phone rings five times. (he has caller id)

My hand is on the hang up button and I sigh relief. See I tried.

He picks up.

"I wasn't going to pick up."

"I was going to hang up."

I go sit in my backyard to soak in the rest of the sun before it descends any further in the sky. I sort of mention the dreams and ask how his vacation went. It was a disaster he explains. The eco-resort was made up of a bunch of flimsy cottages on the sea with only slats and no real walls, privacy, or way to filter the sounds from neighboring cottages. The shower water was salty and cold, the accommodation were below expectations. He complained to the resort. The resort offered him credit to be used on their amenities.

Deciding to make the best of it, he uses some of the credit to book an afternoon massage, they encourage him to go for the night message instead, which he does. He describes the massage as being naked, and cold in front of the windy ocean in the middle of the night as a much larger woman (he has a thin frame) plops and smushes tepid mud onto him. I say, well it can't get worse. He assures me it does. He goes to the restaurant in order to burn more credit and fears he may have contacted food poisoning. They eventually leave the resort to go elsewhere but cannot figure out how to activate the a/c during the long hot ride which does nothing to alleviate his mood nor his health issues. Arriving at the hotel which has no close parking, they must haul up their bags down the streets, while he still feels ill.

Later Sitting at a busy cafe on one of the busiest streets in Mexico, he turns to his girlfriend and says "I think I am going to pass out". Which he promptly does. He comes to on the floor seeing the blue sky, and hearing his girl friend yelling call 911. He also realizes he has defecated on himself and must now get up and walk to the bathroom as all eyes stare in his direction. He proceeds to lock the bathroom door to clean his pants as people begin knocking on the door worried. They are insisting he open the door. "un momento por favor" he faints again. When he comes to there is feces all over, the smell is atrocious, and he only has a itty bitty napkin hiding his penis, he hears his girl friend say "oh my God" while covering her nose.

Well, the momentum and tone of the trip pursues him back to California where he suffers skin poisoning from bad henna ink contracted through a henna tatoo, and in trying to help a friend to the hospital is stopped by police for breaking the speed limit and threatened with jail. Which seems to horrify him more then everything that happened to him in Mexico, as he explains he seriously doubts he would be the biggest, baddest guy there.

Now i feel like I am suppose to tell him, well, that he may be perhaps bringing this bad luck upon himself by going out with people and giving them false hope that the relationship is blossoming into a commitment. His actions and behavior are unintentionally hurting those he dates. He is sort of like a drunk driver who does not mean to run people over, but ends up doing so. He is an irresponsible dater.

And yes, after all of this, he is thinking of dumping her, as he has done with all his previous girlfriends.

Now I ask my muse, why me, why must I explain what I suspect about his karma and his life lessons?

Blueseaurchin

I am just going to live with this thorn.