It's Sunday evening in Grand Fond, St. Barth F.W.I. I have just come back from l'anse gouveneur beach this afternoon where I took a nap underneath a seagrape bush. I had a hell of a time getting the sand off my body it just sticks for some reason likes its imbedded. I can hear the waves from my bedroom window.

I don't understand the dating phenomenon in NY. I am retired single. Take for example MR. X. I am what most people would describe as beautiful or at worst decent. I know saying this sounds as if I have an ego problem but actually i don't as I actually have little to no credit to take for my looks since I don't decide my DNA. I suppose my worst physical attributes is i am at least slightly below average height. I am thin, what have wavy hair slightly small breasts but correct for my size i suppose, and oh, i have no hips. Very CK...i suppose which is shitty for me because I can never find pants to stay on the damn hips.

Anyway returning back to the x. He was what many people would describe as not good looking, which he has conceded to me many time, and his personalty was so-so. However as he didn't talk so much the advantage was you didn't really register his personalty as being so-so blah which makes staying with him managable. Until you realize you are in this grey nowhere zone. Not happy, not unhappy, you just exist. It's kind of like being paralyzed in the heart and in the head. No feeling.

And that was when i began realizing this was going no where nor did i probably want it to go anywhere. Then i thought what do i want. Do i really want to marry this so so ugly guy who didn't believe in himself or what? Then I thought dating in so hard and bars are not my thing so what the hell. Yea i sold out. But I guess I am lazy when it comes to going out and meeting new people. It doesn't help that I am a self proclaimed loner and spend much of my time avoiding people so it's like what are my options? sitting in a bar solo?
I might as well post a sign on my forhead "wierd girl alone in bar". So yea, i thought about settling or maybe i wasn't thinking at all .... i don't know. To prove how bad he was he admitted to me that most girls didn't like him and he was thinking of going out with the russian bride.

I can tell you this, after inviting mr X to my villa in st. barth. And being bored to pieces. I was ready to break up. Let this post be a message to all those girls and boys in NYC don't stay with losers, they don't get better (losers are not like wine or cheese) and settling with so low will only make you an irritable crank!

Deja Vu?

What is deja vu? Within less than a year time I have had 3 people tell me they have just experienced a deja vu moment with me in it and according to google the phenomenon is rare? My first deja vu was with a wierd irish banker who kind of evaporated from my life. We were eating dinner at midtown sapa restaurant http://www.sapanyc.com/ (very nice zen place with good food). He then informed me that his dejavu experience generally mark a major life change. Well i guess the major life change wasn't with me because i have only seen him once since. Then a very stupid self-obsessed childish furniture designer at a boring restaurant in the village and he told me the same thing. (I am pretty sure this wasn't a come on line because we both didn't hit it off and were ready to go our separate way within minutes). My last deja vu was eating dinner with my cousin in a little restaurant on the upper west. He said he just had a deja vue of us eating together. To which i told him what the banker told me about the major life change, which i can confirm that he has just left his girlfriend of 6 years and is planning on moving to the west coast.

So why are all the people which have no real substantial bearing on my life experienceing deja vus with me?

Coincidence, freaky energy, or is this a sign of something to come?

As for me I am planning of leaving my 3 year job which I can not longer pretend to care about or care enough to show up for on time.

Any ideas on deja vu?

I am swimming again. I wake up at 6 am take a train to NYC and swim for about half an hour. Nothing else exists when I swim. Their is no boss, or stupid co-workers, no life, no death, just the sound of water and movement.

She stands with her hands cupped together and slowly opens them in the blue evening light. Small white feathers flutter out lifted by the wind. A tear rolls gently down her face. It's over.

This is a little hole in a fence, inside is my life. There is lots of clutter and little desire to seperate the garbage from the possesions, lifes lessons from rediculous folies, trophies from inexorable failures. There is no house, there is nothing to steal or protect from rain, snow or uv rays. There is no driveway there is nowhere to go, no one to visit and no awaited visitors. Actually the fence was put up many years ago but it too will fall to the ground and there is really no need to build another.

You are sitting at the end of your bed and the window is darkening with the approach of night. I slipped this note underneath the caraf near the bed knowing of course you would notice it before you laid down.

I have left.

I am not at seminar in another state as I told you.

I am still in America, but there is no seminar.

Tommorow I will take a plane and cross the sea and I wish I could tell you I won't look back, but i know that I will.

Somethings are inevitable.

I knew it was inevitable that I leave when we were together last month after having come back from the party and you threw me in our bed. I knew I was leaving when you closed your eyes just when you were about to come like a weary travel on a summit he has climbed once to often. I knew I had to go when you exhaled and I felt the cold breeze cross me like a storm on a warm day.

I am at a hotel. It doesn't matter where.

The staff here are very obliging and go out of there way to help me. I sometimes wonder if they can still feel the cold breeze upon me and are trying to warm me. Today they purchased for me the large paper i asked for with blue purple paint.

I painted myself with it and i lied down on this paper and created what i once was.

Here I am in my fetal position by long hair curled beneath my neck, only a few fingers and my , side of face, torso, but, left leg and foot.
Next I am splayed out, this is the position I was in when I decided I would go. My hair is spread out like an octopus or a messy star.
Next i am on my knees my torso is bent so that all that is printed is my lower leg, knees, my joined hands, forhead and a swirl of hair on either side of the imprint of my forhead. This is when you went to sleep on the couch, you never saw this position or the rest.

This is why i am sending them to you.

I need to purge.

You need to know.

Tommorow I fly at 6:00AM.

remember to please let go of my penis when you are done

2005
Take an art class
Swim
Draw the moon in twilight blue
Yoga
Go horse back riding in central park
Kiss
o something I fear as often as possible
meditate
Learn to cook interesting food
write
Make love on white sheets
paint
Create positive forcefield
pray
--------
cry
only when life treats me unfairly

My life is not going as it should, but I am at a loss of how to change it....
I am getting angry at the world, at myself, at the slow people who walk on 34th.
I am tired of having no life or being stuck with the wrong life.
I am tired of life.
I am tired of breathing.
I am tired of being.
I am tired.


There is no one like me on the entire planet. I always have to be with people who's ways I must conform to. I hate everyone and hate being alone. Perhaps I hate being alone because being alone is suppose to be wrong according to general consensus .

I hate that I have no apparent options on how to remove myself from this situation.