Solo

Ooops I kind of missed V-day in that I was solo and happy for once about it. This time it came as sort of a relief considering that I have a red-heart, hand-holding, eye-gazing allergy. I am simply not a fan of dramatic emotions and gifts I don’t especially like but are expected to gush over while worrying about how i am going to avoid using/wearing/keeping them. Exclaiming "you shouldn't have" while wondering will it break, perhaps I can say it was stolen, or maybe lost.

There is also the fact that I am a creature of comfort and I don’t like getting dressed up and all the fuss of being into it. I don’t like maintaining conversations and listening. I don’t like sharing my bed, bedroom, or bathroom. I would rather sit in a café and fall into a good book. I want to go when I feel like, and leave when I want, and not have to think of calling or explaining. I don’t like demands, expectations, compromising and that is invariably what relationships are about. I would rather write. I would rather explore. I would rather google. Relationships are great but I have to have lots of room. I like to feel air. I like quiet. Yet being in one can be interesting at times because I have learned tons about myself I don’t think I would have learned otherwise…its just…I kind of like being solo. I wonder if this is selfish or wrong. I mean why can’t I be like everyone else and want the same things? Not that being unusual is wrong, but maybe isn’t it?

Adieu, good bye

You wish the best for me
But the room is now cold
You did not mean to hurt me
Yet I sit in the dark room
You tell me it will be ok
To stop my tears from falling
You kiss me on the head
Wishing me goodbye
You tell me it’s not my fault
Then you walk to the door
You look back before you leave

I only have the footprints
You left in the snow
I think about putting my feet in them
To see how they would feel
I did not think I would keep using them
But yet here I am at your door
I offer you my heart to keep
Because I won’t use it anymore

A Wave

I was innocently wasting my time looking at funny cat videos on U-tube when I happen to come across music from the Swingle sisters - harpsichord concerto #2 largo JS Bach. It was such a powerful and mellow piece that accompanied a little kitten trying to sleep that I immediately had to find it, which I did, and which I downloaded to keep in my treasure chest of music. The music picked me up like a wave carrying me off in a floating sort of lazy jellyfish way. Then as I was playing it, and floating, before I realized what I was doing, I forwarded it to a friend I had stopped speaking to after a petty argument ...but perhaps had stopped communications for other reasons that the argument which may just have been a culminating point in our fading friendship. This argument, I fear, as is usually the case with most arguments, may have served as a focal point to a larger agenda of things we feel we can no longer accept from someone. But there it is and my email has irreparably been sent.

I drew this wave as therapeutic relief.

Blackie sits and waits

This

No Patience

I have no patience. I am like a 3 year old child. I just started looking for a new position and already I am so impatient about my situation I want to give up. I went to the interview this week and they seem to like me. They said they would call me for a second interview. But still, there it is, this gut wrenching feeling that there will never be another job and that I will be forever stuck where I am. Which is simply not not not possible. However, If i am to be reasonable about it there is really no logical reason for me to feel this way as I was contacted by another head hunter Friday for a possible interview, and yet I can't rid myself of this loathsome heavy cloak that's dragging me down. It's not even a feeling its more of an infection. Spreading through me from my body, to my head, to my heart, causing me to be morose, sullen and aggressive. Even my legs refuse my direction and sit planted firmly to the ground like roots. I am torn between allowing myself to wallow and wanting to yell. Possibly Scream at the top of my lungs. I consider throwing a 3 minute tantrum full of punching my mattress and hot tears. Will that work? Oh no, I think , I am 3 years old. How can this be? And will they still hire me?

Time to find a new job

I am searching for a new job in the thick of NY winter. I have decided to adamantly refuse to interview for positions which refuse to quote a salary or who quote a salary below my requirements.

I have refused to see job agents that don't have an office in the city or a real website. If I can't take them seriously, I doubt the larger companies I would like to work for know they exist or care.

I will do my best to win over my interviewer and make them like me in a professional way. I accidentally was working on the "like me" tactic when a head hunter asked me on a date....too much "like me", I make a note to tone it down.

Smile, people want to hire happy people, who wants to hire someone morose. I have time to be grouchy later.

I will practice the I am so great at "blah blah" list before I enter the interview. Everyone needs marketing.

I will look into the eyes of my interviewer and I will look sincere. I good storyteller believes his tales.

I will make a point of remembering names. Yes I remember your name because you are important to me and so is this position, so why don't you give it to me?

ok.....I am so ready, I think.

The ghost that stole my apartment

Someone stole my apartment - quite possibly a ghost. I found a little apartment in alphabet city (Avenues A,B,C,D) for sale. The broker told me she believes I could make a fair bid asking 30,000 less the price tag. I like it a lot. I cannot say it is true love. I am rarely in enamored by anything being skeptical by nature. The add says "bright" which I assume meant sunny. Apparently this is not what they meant as there is a wall perhaps 5 feet off from 2 of the main windows making it rather grey. So while I was pondering whether I should make a bid the broker emails me that someone has made a bid for the full asking price and if I want to make a matching bid. Um, no I think, not unless the neighboring apartment blocking the sunlight can be moved allowing me to have the bright apartment mentioned in the add.

Being of a sinister and pessimistic NY nature, I wonder if there is an actual bid or rather a bluff from the broker with the intention of encouraging me a full bid.

Hudson valley area

I want to move the Hudson Valley Area in some rural property. I want a farm house that's immersed in a forest of trees. I want a trail that will take me to a stream. I want to smell the earth after it rains. I want to hear nature and nothing else. I want to be able to sit in nature and not meet another soul for hours and reflect on the beauty of it all.

I don't want to commute. I don't want to work in an office. I don't know what I shall do.

Fall

It seems fall suddenly crept up on us. It's November so I suppose we can consider it late.

The chilled winds are howling and and shaking our trees and their remaining leaves like mother nature cleaning up and blowing summer away. The sky is a serious grey as if clothed in some dark suit awaiting some momentous occasion and I am hiding in my bath tub with a fine book listening to the house creak with the sounds of heat being pumped up. Its funny, during these colder seasons it seems there is no better place to be then at home. There is no want, need or desire, just the here and now and my tiny pink toes sticking out of the water.