The Liar

I am not getting enough sleep. I am an 8 hour sleeper. I can even push 9 if convenient or sometimes even when not convenient but much needed. In any case I seem to be getting to bed later and later, most unfortunately the time I must awaken to make my train has not changed. And it is always too early and apparently getting earlier as I am sleeping later. Now you think that a reasonable person with fine analytical skills would go to sleep earlier in order to escape this painful routine. And in the morning, as my alarm rings and I tap the snooze button thinking about how I will make up the time, to catch said train on time, I promise myself in the most sincere manner that tonight I will sleep earlier. I promise this to myself like a gift. I look forward to it and placate my desire to remain in bed with it. I fool myself, I trick myself, I lie to myself, because as the hours tick away at night, I become involved in mundane web searches, listening to music, or reading. The hours tick away without my notice. And then in the morning as the sun rises and the alarm rings the deceit recommences once again.

friend or foe

So this friend, who is not much of a friend, who i sort of got into an argument with during the mini-NY blackout yesterday, ims me as usual. She tells me all of her problems and her solutions and her happiness and i realize suddenly that I don't really care. It's like a cord that has been cut that once linked her to me that seems to be irrevocably beyond repair. This is not about the argument, this is about what she talks about, her attitude, and her ever consuming self absorption. I am not only bored but I am annoyed by her childishly whining ims, overly emotional conversations. I feel bombarded and overwhelmed, almost suffocated. Her personalty now seems brittle, hollow and slightly obnoxious. I now can't help but see her like a void, being nothing, but sucking everything in, and namely my energy and time.

She contacts me this morning. I send her a few well meaning ims in response, but really I know I am just trying to be polite. In a way, I suppose i was a little elated after are argument. I never really thought about how I was enjoying our friendship less, it seems my discontent has grown like an internal symtomless disease only to show its dreadful face upon this situation.

I have just recently stopped stopped making lunch plans with her, not realizing that i no longer enjoyed her company, but just thinking i needed some time to myself. I suppose it won't be much longer. Au revoir.

Black Out

We experienced a mini black out in NY today. It tested my friendship. As I informed my friend from a nearby office and looked for alternative routes to go home and as our office were all anxiously seeking more info from an overburdened subway website that adamantly refused to load for us so we can view it, my friend informed me she didn't care. According to her, her side of Manhattan wasn't effected and it was too bad for the other side. The Eastern side, my office's side, my side. I argued how rude and callous her attitude was, gently at first and perhaps firmer later (as with the case with arguments). But after her stoically stating we would just have to deal with it. I asked her if I could use that line when she came to me with her problems. (as in just this morning...hours of boring and repetitive arguments between her and her lover). We ended the argument with exclamations, and bitter intonations. I told her not to come crying on my shoulder about her endless arguments which inexorable always solved themselves but which left me bored and tired from listening to. She shouted she wouldn't. Not to worry. Then she said Ciao. I was like yup, ciao, for I am not one who feels the need to maintain burndensome companionships that don't provide some level of solace. She will have to do better if she plans to stick around.