Grey Building Part II

June paced through her room back and forth with the moonlight illuminating her thin silhouette like a restless ghost. She was cold but not the kind of cold that a sweater would help. Isolated alone and tired she sat on the bed which only made her more aware of Tims absence, it was his pillow, his side of the bed, his books lined against the wall. She wrapped her arms around her body and felt old. She had known Tim since he was a boy. Knew how he was the few to come from a good family and knew that he despised the scratchers for their poverty, the manner they spoke, the way they dressed and for all the same reasons that he now despised her. And as she got up to look at herself in the partially broken mirror its as if she had seen herself for the first time. It was garbage, her haird was dull and poorly cut, her eyes seemed too large as if she was always searching for change, her glow in the dark plastic necklace seem rediculous. she knew she no longer wanted to scratcher, no longer wanted to survive and no longer wanted to impose her image on any other human being.

The groups who had always liked her had sent there youngest members little bowls of soups, sandwhiches, which now lay on the floor untouched. She did not despise them. She felt sorry that they went through such efforts for her and felt sorrier that she would not accept the offerings they had sacrificed to share with her.

Slowly as if an inexorable force was pulling her towards the window she stood there climbing on the sill as delicately as a cat. And she stood there with both feet planted on the sill as if ready to jump. But then as she was looking down at the cold dark street she saw a young girl in the house accross holding the ledge of the building and forgetting that she too was standing on a ledge she gasped and thought what terrible thing to do. She was so suprised she almost fell down but caught herself at the last moment by the old curtain. She jumped back into her room and without throwiing anything over her pink slip she ran down the steps and accross the street. She stood their and both woman staning in their light colored slips, looked at eachother in for a moment in suprise, so that it was as if life had created this mirror of a moment. As if there was no one else left in the world which had suddenly been reduced to this little street and to these two girls. Come down from there I want to talk to you. The other girl started to talk but instead just shook her head. Come down, don't waste time. You can't jump, i have lost everything and I didn't jump. The girl said you don't know what you are talking about. Well come explain, we have all night, then later you can jump if you want. The girl stood their pensively, and cocked her head, what have you lost. I am not having this conversation this come down. Come down, the girl look doubtful but then suddenly disappeared into the dark window to finally make her way down to the street with a sweather wrapped around her.

These two woman sat on an old bench by the river bank and talked all night. Later they stole wine and talked more as the sun came up. It was as if they had survived the dark night and had went through a journey together so it was as if they were linked. The girl knew someone that could write and would take her to see her so that she could have her own book. But the June shook her head head, i dont' have anymore stories you don't understand. And the girl laughed for what seemed hours so that when she wiped her eyes and could finally see her friend again she realized she was angry. Then with a hand on Junes shoulder she said you just told me a story. And June looked in disbelief, she could make it into a story and if you want you have my story. I want only to go home where i have money and a family and you can help me. And everyone in your building has there own story, not what you see everyday, but there story. How they got there, who they are.

The Grey Building - Part I

Part I

We were called to the Scratchers. We were called that because it was said that we would try to scratch out a little money from anything. Everybody had their group, their gang, their family. Tim and June mainly just had each other because they Tim was better at scratching and less good at sharing although he needed June for comfort and storytelling. And June was great at storytelling so that we would all crowd around her late at nights and she would weave her tails. Even Tim was not immune to a good storyteller. We all lived in the same abandoned building but for the most part electricity and plumbing were fine. It was food and clothing, and getting money to do things that was an issue. There was no money for the most part in their area and no jobs unless you knew the right people. But they were the Scratchers and mostly only knew each other and mostly only helped each other.

The grey building consisted of groups of 6 or 7 and they would protect each other, and share information, and money and food. But as I said Tim was fussy and only got along with June. June had this way about her that everyone liked and as i said before she was an awfully fine storyteller. Sometimes if she had a real good one, she would dress in the park and recite for people on a small hill and people would throw money at her.

Anyway June decided one day that she was going to tell our story in Grey building but we all warmed her no one was going to pay for our tale. No one wanted to hear tales of Scratchers, and being hungry, and running around to make some money. We told her to stick to her own stories that she was so good at. But she refused to listen and for 4 weeks she told no stories but would walk about the building in deep concentration. Finally one day she told us all she was going to the hill and we watched her and Tim walk off as we alerted everyone they were going.

She made our grey building into a tower, she poked into our little lives and shed lights here and there so we could see ourselves for the first time. The time little Hat's brother got so hungry and bored he shoved little Hat out of the window and his fall was broken by Linder and how that section was indebted to the other section. Which lead to Linder's trying to use the dept to merge the groups to the biggest group. But that the other groups wouldn't hear of it so that they tried kidnapping members and then and on and on....and we all sat their looking into our lives as if it were in some strange tale. We barely noticed that there was not the usually crowd of well off Katers around our hill but a much larger number then usual. Nobody noticed that Tim was not to be seen, but he was there never the less, we know because of what happened. Well, apparently one of the Katers said this is good enough to sell and so Tim started writing everything down. He was the few amongst us that could write. And later he came around for collection as he usually did to collect money. After that we just didn't see Tim again. But some of us were like that we would drift some and come back.

It was only when it go cold in the winter and we all went back on the hill because June said she was going to re-tell our story and she was hungry that we saw Tim in a fur cape with a young woman with luxurious fire red hair down to her back. We didn't go up to him right away because we thought we were mistaken as he seemed so changed and fancy. It couldn't be Tim because it had to be some Kater that looked like Tim but then it was Tim. And as she sat on her hill with her best dark dress and no coat even though it was cold because she did not own a nice coat, the Katers all came around and said but she is telling the story of that book. The grey building and instead of listening they all talked amongst themselves and paid her no attention so that she lost her place until after much struggling she stopped talking as now one was listening and we were all watching the Katers exclaim they knew the book.

When we finally looked back at June she had turned to stone and was just sitting their as if her soul had left her. And if anyone was close enough at the right moment they would of hear her say very quietly to herself, "so this is what it is to have your very thoughts ripped away from you". And with this after several hours of sitting in the dark some of us took pity on her and forced her back to our building. She moved like a sheep, not following us but allowing herself to be lead.

friend or foe

So this friend, who is not much of a friend, who i sort of got into an argument with during the mini-NY blackout yesterday, ims me as usual. She tells me all of her problems and her solutions and her happiness and i realize suddenly that I don't really care. It's like a cord that has been cut that once linked her to me that seems to be irrevocably beyond repair. This is not about the argument, this is about what she talks about, her attitude, and her ever consuming self absorption. I am not only bored but I am annoyed by her childishly whining ims, overly emotional conversations. I feel bombarded and overwhelmed, almost suffocated. Her personalty now seems brittle, hollow and slightly obnoxious. I now can't help but see her like a void, being nothing, but sucking everything in, and namely my energy and time.

She contacts me this morning. I send her a few well meaning ims in response, but really I know I am just trying to be polite. In a way, I suppose i was a little elated after are argument. I never really thought about how I was enjoying our friendship less, it seems my discontent has grown like an internal symtomless disease only to show its dreadful face upon this situation.

I have just recently stopped stopped making lunch plans with her, not realizing that i no longer enjoyed her company, but just thinking i needed some time to myself. I suppose it won't be much longer. Au revoir.

Rain & Thunder

It's raining rather heavily. First time since a long time. I have a cozy room I rarely use with a bed at level with the window overlooking a garden. I am making my bed just to enjoy this night time show with a good book and fall asleep to the sound and smell of the rain. I could spend my entire night listening to the this!

Black Out

We experienced a mini black out in NY today. It tested my friendship. As I informed my friend from a nearby office and looked for alternative routes to go home and as our office were all anxiously seeking more info from an overburdened subway website that adamantly refused to load for us so we can view it, my friend informed me she didn't care. According to her, her side of Manhattan wasn't effected and it was too bad for the other side. The Eastern side, my office's side, my side. I argued how rude and callous her attitude was, gently at first and perhaps firmer later (as with the case with arguments). But after her stoically stating we would just have to deal with it. I asked her if I could use that line when she came to me with her problems. (as in just this morning...hours of boring and repetitive arguments between her and her lover). We ended the argument with exclamations, and bitter intonations. I told her not to come crying on my shoulder about her endless arguments which inexorable always solved themselves but which left me bored and tired from listening to. She shouted she wouldn't. Not to worry. Then she said Ciao. I was like yup, ciao, for I am not one who feels the need to maintain burndensome companionships that don't provide some level of solace. She will have to do better if she plans to stick around.

Things you should never do drunk

Write blogs,
Write comments in other peoples blogs,
call ex-boyfriends
declare your love to someone (especially to an ex-someone)
show up at work
show up anywhere near a co-worker
perm or color your own hair
get a tatoo
fall asleep on a subway
shop online with your credit card
or shop online with yhour boy friend's credit card
oh I fear my list is too long
please feel free to contact me for the full list should you require it.

Memories

The smell of autumn
Memories of past failures that endlessly swirl around blotting out the future
The far away sound ducks make crossing the winter sky
The way cats carefully evaluate me with their long stares
Reading Harry Potter books under the cover
The soft cushioned sound things make after a snowfall
A silver subway roaring under a grid as I stand above
An English accent
vibrations of thunder
The sensation of a breeze gently moving across my skin
A cross-country train ride in a foreign country
The smell of the sea after a long winter indoors
A turtle letting itself fall into a pond
My moms smile
The sound of a horses gallop
A lover wispering into my ear
A deep fog which shrouds the familiar with magical quality
The kindness of strangers
Building snowmen
Gulping down oysters with a good beer
Swimming in a luminously bright green waterfall after a long difficult hike

Pills and Papers

I just received my pharmacy card from my health plan. So shiny and new. Something in the mail i don't have look over, or pay for. I put it in my wallet. I go back to the paperwork, a booklet, and some paper. I look for coverage. How much of my medication will be covered, when, where, and under what conditions. This is all we really need to know. But no, they have seemingly killed all these trees to write useless information and little pictures to make it seem more user friendly. What else does anyone need to know from a pharmacy card other then coverage and coverage amount?

I don't know why the world demands that i be competent, when the rest of the world is quite clearly not.

Happiness

They say, Money doesn't buy happiness, but if you spend 8 hours of your time at a job you dislike as the majority of people do and some extra time commuting to this job, and some more time getting ready to go to this job, it does seem money could remedy the situation.

Pass me the uh, money please.

Next time

I know the last post was rubbish. I will try harder next time.

;-)