Sunday, July 30, 2006

It's Sunday evening in Grand Fond, St. Barth F.W.I. I have just come back from l'anse gouveneur beach this afternoon where I took a nap underneath a seagrape bush. I had a hell of a time getting the sand off my body it just sticks for some reason likes its imbedded. I can hear the waves from my bedroom window.

I don't understand the dating phenomenon in NY. I am retired single. Take for example MR. X. I am what most people would describe as beautiful or at worst decent. I know saying this sounds as if I have an ego problem but actually i don't as I actually have little to no credit to take for my looks since I don't decide my DNA. I suppose my worst physical attributes is i am at least slightly below average height. I am thin, what have wavy hair slightly small breasts but correct for my size i suppose, and oh, i have no hips. Very CK...i suppose which is shitty for me because I can never find pants to stay on the damn hips.

Anyway returning back to the x. He was what many people would describe as not good looking, which he has conceded to me many time, and his personalty was so-so. However as he didn't talk so much the advantage was you didn't really register his personalty as being so-so blah which makes staying with him managable. Until you realize you are in this grey nowhere zone. Not happy, not unhappy, you just exist. It's kind of like being paralyzed in the heart and in the head. No feeling.

And that was when i began realizing this was going no where nor did i probably want it to go anywhere. Then i thought what do i want. Do i really want to marry this so so ugly guy who didn't believe in himself or what? Then I thought dating in so hard and bars are not my thing so what the hell. Yea i sold out. But I guess I am lazy when it comes to going out and meeting new people. It doesn't help that I am a self proclaimed loner and spend much of my time avoiding people so it's like what are my options? sitting in a bar solo?
I might as well post a sign on my forhead "wierd girl alone in bar". So yea, i thought about settling or maybe i wasn't thinking at all .... i don't know. To prove how bad he was he admitted to me that most girls didn't like him and he was thinking of going out with the russian bride.

I can tell you this, after inviting mr X to my villa in st. barth. And being bored to pieces. I was ready to break up. Let this post be a message to all those girls and boys in NYC don't stay with losers, they don't get better (losers are not like wine or cheese) and settling with so low will only make you an irritable crank!

Deja Vu?

What is deja vu? Within less than a year time I have had 3 people tell me they have just experienced a deja vu moment with me in it and according to google the phenomenon is rare? My first deja vu was with a wierd irish banker who kind of evaporated from my life. We were eating dinner at midtown sapa restaurant (very nice zen place with good food). He then informed me that his dejavu experience generally mark a major life change. Well i guess the major life change wasn't with me because i have only seen him once since. Then a very stupid self-obsessed childish furniture designer at a boring restaurant in the village and he told me the same thing. (I am pretty sure this wasn't a come on line because we both didn't hit it off and were ready to go our separate way within minutes). My last deja vu was eating dinner with my cousin in a little restaurant on the upper west. He said he just had a deja vue of us eating together. To which i told him what the banker told me about the major life change, which i can confirm that he has just left his girlfriend of 6 years and is planning on moving to the west coast.

So why are all the people which have no real substantial bearing on my life experienceing deja vus with me?

Coincidence, freaky energy, or is this a sign of something to come?

As for me I am planning of leaving my 3 year job which I can not longer pretend to care about or care enough to show up for on time.

Any ideas on deja vu?

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