Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Face Fatigue

In Manhattan nobody looks at anyone, in the face or in the eyes. They look toward you but not at you. they have been bombarded by all types of eyes, noses, skin, ears, and lips to last them some time. Their mind can no longer process and their eyes have developed a dull glaze that reverberates all images back out like a pair of reflective glasses. I am not immune to this fatigue. I have it as well. That is why I must go back to LI to see space, air, grass, leaves, trees and nothing. Absolutely nothing.

And nothing can be pleasurable.

Mummy's coming!

Mommy's coming! My mommy is flying in Thursday. And I am so very excited to see her again. I still have much to do. I have my room to clean up, vacuuming, laundry, mowing the lawn and all this before Thursday!!!

I think we will go to the MoMa museum on Friday, then as the weekend should be nice we can walk around the city or go to the botanical garden. I want her to have a great time as she is always working so hard in the Caribbean taking care of the family property and dealing with my fathers "Adam's Family". Even he doesn't want to deal with most of them, but happily lets my mother do it. She is so very patient....Too Patient. I have to teach her the word "NO". Two little letters...yet she has so much difficulty saying them.....

Icicle feet

I keep sneezing, sniffling and my tiny feet were like to icicles this morning at the office.....sitting like this for 8 hours was just out of the question. And yet this always happens, its cloudy making the day cooler and they keep the a/c amped up, which means i am shivering with my jacket on. Well I found my little floor heater and I am now as warm and cuddly as a little rabbit.

I was once told they keep the office cool to keep people awake. However if we are sick and uncomfortable we simply cannot work.


1:00 PM

I am at the office and just beginning to wake up. I notice that my nails are green. Not an even nail-polished-intentional-green as if I am stylish (which I occasionally attempt), but rather spotted smudged green as in "I have a younger child" (which I don't have), or"I am an artist" (which is also not true), or I dumpster dive for stuff (also not true), or I have been removing disintegrating and sticky paint on my binoculars for bird watching (true) which has now attached itself in an unsightly way to my nails. Oh, so much less exciting.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007




It's the third day of rain and cold and its like August is having an identity crisis. I wonder why I can't have some sort of crisis so I can stay in bed and not run to catch the train, run to catch the subway and hobble my way to work in freezing cold office. The VP here has asked me to modify some faxes, which I do and try to hand it to him with a smile. He does not seem impressed, but I think sullenly how is that my fault? I am soorry the pages don't entertain you, they do even less for me.

Then there was my silly argument yesterday with my silly friend. I am still weighting whether I should be relieved or upset that we are no longer speaking. I think relieved. She is a lot of work and has a very irritating personality when things don't go her way. And they aren't going her way. And they won't go her way any time soon until she gets rid of her Italian-gigolo- boyfriend.

She accused me of being lazy, I accused her of being a gerbil on a tread mill. We took jabs, here and there till she couldn't type strait anymore sprinkling spelling errors as she finally and (i can assume) angrily disconnected her Gtalk.

She can be great, but she can also be a reckless hurricane full of problems that need listening too, appropriate nods and responses, and offered solutions that will be debated against and ignored. Then when things fail, as they tend to do with her, she takes jabs at everything around her. Still I am upset that I let myself get thrown into the hurricane. I should of just let it sweep past me.

I just had to test the wind and stick out my tongue.


Friday, August 17, 2007

And this was my heart

My friend calls me at work to tell me that she is paying for her boyfriends ticket from Italy.


Because he is a pre-med student and we are in love and he is the only one i will ever be in love with and, and, and.

ok. (i can tell by her tone of voice she has already decided. She isn't asking)

Then later, much later.....she calls and says she is paying for everything, taxis, restaurants, drinks, broadway shows. And he is spending a lot. (other people money is always easier to spend) And i have to lend him my suitcase because he doesn't have room for all the stuff he purchased. And i have to bring that suitcase from Manhattan to JFK for him as he is currently in Miami with his friends.


and he bought all these presents for his friends in Italy, his friends girlfriends, his family, and clothes for himself. Expensive clothes for himself. And he went to Tiffanys to get me a present but he realized he didn't have enough for anything.

(So he got her nothing. Not a thing, not a flower, not a flower pedal, not even a fake flower.)

What did he get you from Italy?



But he tells me he loves me. Amora, Amora, Amora.....

ok. uh, M....he's using you.

No. No. No. You don't understand. I can tell he loves me.

Finally she breaks down and she calls him.

He loves her.

Its settled.

Happily ever after.

Maybe not.

But Perhaps relationship exist to make us struggle so that we can learn to be humble, making us a little less hard, a little more sensitive with others . Perhaps its not all about getting married, but an experience to improve ourselves, provide us with depth. A journey in which we both suffer hardship, enjoy tenderness and acquire wisdom. I think my friend hit a bump.

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