Ugh, trying to find my place on this planet....my new direction is webdesign and I am attempting to learn dreamweaver by listening to tutorials. Only glitch is that the tutorial version of dreamweaver does not match my current version of dreamweaver so it's a pest trying to follow the lessons.

I am also trying to get in touch with my guide so he/she can do some guiding for me...which I am sure you can tell I desperately need. So I try to meditate but I do not feel that I am making a connection and i am beginning to doubt this wisdom of this strategy.

ok enough chatting I am going to do a rosemary/salt exfoliating scrub and then get back to work. hmmmm the thought of it sounds wonderful.

Boy fall is swooping in at top speeds in New York. My little garden looks quite morose and grey. And I still have to paint my bird feeder so it won't rust to pieces but now its too cold to paint outdoors. I guess I will dig up the base and paint in the basement! oh Joy, if only i learned to do things on time.

This morning i had meant to wake to go to the Macy's day sale but it was so cool out and so warm under my covers I couldn't do it. And then going later to fight through crowds didn't seem feasible either so I was lazy and just did some food shopping, cleaning and took time out to enjoy the fall sunlight which is somehow different from all the other seasons.

I have to work more on my dreamweaver tutorials, do some yoga, some reading and then off to bed.

I will try to wake up early for a little run!!! We will see if I make it. Right?

Hope you like my little cow. I made him while writing the adventures of "Baby Chick". Which reminds me I have to do a lot of editing before i put I blog it.

I have let myself go to weed. In order to remedy this woeful situation I have decided to make my resolutions early. I um think i will try to make them easy so I can feel confident about maintaining them.

1- keep my room clean (you haven't seen my room and neither have I ..... I just see the havoc in it.)I think someone could hide under the piles of clothing i make without me ever finding them.

2- Blog every day rain, snow, hail or sun shine! I will write at least three words.

3 - Put as much possible time into studing to become a webmaster.

I will let you guys know how it turns out. I also plan to throw some daily yoga into it. Even if it means just a 5 minute shoulder stand which also can count toward meditation!

Ok back to my dream weaver tutorials and early to bed!

Sitting at home with my feet up on a wood box i keep stuff in and listing to dreamweaver tutorials until i get loopy.

I feel like an overgrown cat that doesn't want to leave the house. I love being comfy and hassle free!

Now if i can become a webmaster from home life would be perfect.

Back again! Took some time off from searching for a job to see if there isn't something I can study that can be more marketable....computer programing???

hmmm....I feel like I am in a strange dream or something in which everyone seems to know the direction they are hurrying to except for me.

That's ok. I'm sure I will find my way!

The End

So hard to arrive at the end when you have been doing somewhere for so long....don't you think. Friday and now its the end and all I can concentrate is on the end because I don't really see a beginning anywhere in the sight. I worked there for 3 years to the dot and I thought this is it, my life, my health, and my intelligence is worth more than this unchallenging position. So I wrote a letter and left knowing that in this market it might be difficult to find something new that I might want to do and which would pay me enough so that I might want to keep doing it. But now that I have been to a couple of interviews I feel I would be cheeting myself to take these admin positions in which I would be someones gofer and the very lowest on the totem pole.

I am not sure how I arrived at this position. I am an incredibly dedicated hardworker who graduated from a good college (UCSB). I had dreams and aspirations. I had ambitions. And now the world is offering me table scraps!

I feel imposed upon by these worthless jobs and I feel frustrated by life in general.

The worse part is I don't see a clear way of my dilemma and I don't think its from lack of searching. I wonder is it the economy, or does everyone just settle for employment they feel are below them?

I am very confused.

Obsessive complusive cat flushing the toilet !!! Hilarious !

Cat obsessively keeps flushing the toilet over and over again .... -> www.be-dumb.com

I handed my letter of resignation in this Monday!

I was expecting either lots of pleading or lots of angry comments from my boss as I am doing so only one month before a very hectic trip to Paris in which I would have translated a 200 page catalog in about 5 days and then helped take product orders. It was perhaps not an idea time to have lost an employee but it was a ideal time for me as I would do such a great bulk of the work for the same pay and then have been tied up for 2-3 months afterword with processing these orders pushing my new job search even further into the cold winter!!!

My idiot boss.....said ok that's fine we already have ideas for your replacement. However....either his idea didn't work out or he was lying because he asked if I continue my job from home for "a bit".

Not sure I want to work for such scum....but anyway a copy of the letters are below.

Dear (name),

Tomorrow would have been my last day at work but I have decided to make it a personal day as I had 7 left of the 9 days.

Everything is up to date with Datafurn and all price circulars and general circulars have been posted.

It appears that this computer may be experiencing DF issues once again….just thought I would give you a heads up.

I think that’s everything.

Sincerely,
Deborah

Hi (name),
Are you all set with Greg on the Health Benefits?
Also, have you cleared all your belongings here or is there anything you want us to put aside, or any special instructions?
Let me know also if you are willing to work on Datafurn from home. I can pay you per day as an independent contractor (i.e. you have to declare taxes yourself), or keep you a bit more on the payroll. It is up to you. Not a problem if you do not want to do, I would understand.
Good luck with your job search, if you don’t have a job already. Hopefully you can find something that is a better fit or correspond better to the work/money/environment you want.
Sincerely,
(name)

I am divided. Half of me just wants to have him look like the loser he is and putting him an awkward situation by not answering and not offering to work from home. The other side is thinking of accepting on condition that he retains my service till October aloung with my health plan.

I am very divided.

It's not like i am vindictive he is just a terribe terrible person and deep down inside no matter how much i fight it i would like some retribution for all the crultey he has inflicted on me and my colleagues.

After all how many bosses lose 3 employees in a 4 employee office in the time span of 6 months? Onlhy a really terribe boss who is also either incredibly stupid and/or wrekless with his career.

be back later i have to run to deposit a check before he blocks it!!!

Seaurchin

Wasting a beautiful Saturday with my laptop surfing the internet and listening to mediation music. I feel I should be outside doing things but I can't imagine what these things should be.

I am quiting my job Monday and I am not quite sure where to go from here. This inaction is causing me frustration. Everyone else seems to have firm goals and ideas.....but my life seems like an endless pattern of aimless movements in no particular direction. I have tried getting help from friends but it they seem to think this is something i need to resolve on my lonesome....I was so desperate I even saw a psychic....but it didn't work. What makes things worse or better is that I will be leaving my position a month before a big trip I would normally be required to go on which would be a tremendous amount of work and pressure....so I am sure they will be upset but at the same time they or particularly my boss shortshanged my on raise I should have received this December because he gave someone else such a enormous increase it was no doubt taken from my upcoming salary. Although it makes it easier for me to walk away from this hostile situation, in the end i think its better this way because I may have felt compelled to stay had things turned out differently.

It's Sunday evening in Grand Fond, St. Barth F.W.I. I have just come back from l'anse gouveneur beach this afternoon where I took a nap underneath a seagrape bush. I had a hell of a time getting the sand off my body it just sticks for some reason likes its imbedded. I can hear the waves from my bedroom window.

I don't understand the dating phenomenon in NY. I am retired single. Take for example MR. X. I am what most people would describe as beautiful or at worst decent. I know saying this sounds as if I have an ego problem but actually i don't as I actually have little to no credit to take for my looks since I don't decide my DNA. I suppose my worst physical attributes is i am at least slightly below average height. I am thin, what have wavy hair slightly small breasts but correct for my size i suppose, and oh, i have no hips. Very CK...i suppose which is shitty for me because I can never find pants to stay on the damn hips.

Anyway returning back to the x. He was what many people would describe as not good looking, which he has conceded to me many time, and his personalty was so-so. However as he didn't talk so much the advantage was you didn't really register his personalty as being so-so blah which makes staying with him managable. Until you realize you are in this grey nowhere zone. Not happy, not unhappy, you just exist. It's kind of like being paralyzed in the heart and in the head. No feeling.

And that was when i began realizing this was going no where nor did i probably want it to go anywhere. Then i thought what do i want. Do i really want to marry this so so ugly guy who didn't believe in himself or what? Then I thought dating in so hard and bars are not my thing so what the hell. Yea i sold out. But I guess I am lazy when it comes to going out and meeting new people. It doesn't help that I am a self proclaimed loner and spend much of my time avoiding people so it's like what are my options? sitting in a bar solo?
I might as well post a sign on my forhead "wierd girl alone in bar". So yea, i thought about settling or maybe i wasn't thinking at all .... i don't know. To prove how bad he was he admitted to me that most girls didn't like him and he was thinking of going out with the russian bride.

I can tell you this, after inviting mr X to my villa in st. barth. And being bored to pieces. I was ready to break up. Let this post be a message to all those girls and boys in NYC don't stay with losers, they don't get better (losers are not like wine or cheese) and settling with so low will only make you an irritable crank!

Deja Vu?

What is deja vu? Within less than a year time I have had 3 people tell me they have just experienced a deja vu moment with me in it and according to google the phenomenon is rare? My first deja vu was with a wierd irish banker who kind of evaporated from my life. We were eating dinner at midtown sapa restaurant http://www.sapanyc.com/ (very nice zen place with good food). He then informed me that his dejavu experience generally mark a major life change. Well i guess the major life change wasn't with me because i have only seen him once since. Then a very stupid self-obsessed childish furniture designer at a boring restaurant in the village and he told me the same thing. (I am pretty sure this wasn't a come on line because we both didn't hit it off and were ready to go our separate way within minutes). My last deja vu was eating dinner with my cousin in a little restaurant on the upper west. He said he just had a deja vue of us eating together. To which i told him what the banker told me about the major life change, which i can confirm that he has just left his girlfriend of 6 years and is planning on moving to the west coast.

So why are all the people which have no real substantial bearing on my life experienceing deja vus with me?

Coincidence, freaky energy, or is this a sign of something to come?

As for me I am planning of leaving my 3 year job which I can not longer pretend to care about or care enough to show up for on time.

Any ideas on deja vu?

I am swimming again. I wake up at 6 am take a train to NYC and swim for about half an hour. Nothing else exists when I swim. Their is no boss, or stupid co-workers, no life, no death, just the sound of water and movement.

She stands with her hands cupped together and slowly opens them in the blue evening light. Small white feathers flutter out lifted by the wind. A tear rolls gently down her face. It's over.

This is a little hole in a fence, inside is my life. There is lots of clutter and little desire to seperate the garbage from the possesions, lifes lessons from rediculous folies, trophies from inexorable failures. There is no house, there is nothing to steal or protect from rain, snow or uv rays. There is no driveway there is nowhere to go, no one to visit and no awaited visitors. Actually the fence was put up many years ago but it too will fall to the ground and there is really no need to build another.